In the nineteenth year of our marriage, the anniversary of which is, coincidentally, today, the wife has revised her health and fitness regime. I have never known her to believe that she was anything but grotesquely obese. She is not, never has been and doubtless never will be. She is fit, shapely and perfectly proportioned. Had I a boat, she would float it.
She’s tried the Atkins Diet, The Low Fat Diet, the cabbage Soup Diet, the Fresh Air Diet, the Gluten – Free Diet, the Boiled Water and a Kipper Diet, all to no avail. She’s eaten Healthily, Sensibly and No Carbohydrately. Recently she‘s taken to eating Annoyingly. I swear it’s the Next Big Thing: The Annoying Diet. She won’t eat what I eat. Too easy. So no bread, no cheese, no beer, no steak, no chocolate. We sit down for supper. I’m lucky if I get a piece of boiled fish with spinach. I have to hide he Toblerone. Such is the fate of the long-married man.