Tuesday, January 3, 2012

What? Hoovering?

(Reuters) - The government unveiled a 250 million pound industry-financed plan to promote good eating on Sunday under which millions of people will receive vouchers offering discounts on healthy foods. The coalition government is promoting the scheme as part of its Change4Life programme…

Meanwhile, in an expensive Whitehall Office:

Top Civil Servant: People are just too bloody fat, sir

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley : Fbviously. They should just bloody well eat less.

TCS: The food industry might have something to say about that, sir.

Lansley: Right. Rewind, then. What can we do? There’s no money.

TCS: Of course not, sir. Your usual response is to let the private sector carry the can.

Lansley: Is it? Good idea. We could launch an initiative.

TCS: Labour did enough initiative launching to see us into the 22nd century, sir. What we need is an industry-financed plan. They’re bound to agree once they understand the alternative.

Lansley: Eating less?

TCS: Precisely, sir.

Lansley: I’m sorry to rain on your parade, but I’ve spotted the fatal flaw in this otherwise briliant, scheme.

TCS: And that is, sir?

Lansley: The supermarkets haven’t got any money either.

TCS: I see where you’re going with this, sir. There’s two kinds of supermarkets. There’s those that work, make a bundle and don’t need any government help. Tesco is a case in point. The other kind never makes money. They’re gagging for customers because they don’t have any. Think of ASDA. Patting your bottom? They’re American. Hence the fat bum image. Everyone hates Americans so they won’t shop there, sir. ASDA’ll chip in a few bucks so people think they care too. You may have noticed, Americans are fat.

Lansley: I see what you mean. They get free government advertising and we get points for caring. Mind you, it’s an intriguing irony. Fat Americans paying to get Britons to lose weight.

TCS: Indeed, sir.

Lansley: One thing. We’re the government, not nutritionists. I’m not sure that we should be telling people what to eat.

TCS: If we don’t, who will?

Lansley: Nutritionists? They know what they’re talking about, don’t they?

TCS: Haha.

Lansley: Okay. Their mums, then.

TCS: Haha.

Lansley: It’s the thin edge of the slippery slope. They’ll be wanting us to tell them how to do the washing up. Make beds. Hoover.

TCS: Yes sir. Shall I get on to that?

Lansley: Immediately.

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