Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Keep Left, FFS

Here in Hindhead there are no nasty traffic jams at the A3/A325 crossroads any more. The tunnels have put paid to that. Instead there is a pair of life-or-death “mini-roundabouts.” A mini-roundabout is actually a painted roundabout. It’s just a black and white circle painted on the road. A magic circle – because people drive round it like it was a real roundabout.

The rule is “give way to traffic from the right” because in England we drive on the left side of the road. This doesn’t work when cars approach from all directions simultaneously. They all stop, look at the roundabout, look at each other. No-one can move because everyone is giving way to the traffic from the right. A twenty-first century game of chicken has begun.

Sooner or later, the driver with the biggest death wish just goes. The car on his left stops. And so on. How anybody ever manages to use one of these roundabouts is a mystery. And in Hindhead, there’s two of them next to each other. They’ve been put there to remind people that they’re mortal.

OTSOW, Driving on the left side of the road is the proper way to drive, no matter what the world thinks.

The thing is that the most important human organ, the human heart is on the left side of the body. You can’t change that. To protect the heart, therefore, humans naturally turn to the left, putting the right side of the body in front of the heart, itself as far away as possible from an aggressor.

If you have a sword, this makes even better sense. Sword in the right hand, heart far away from an aggressor.

So the scabbard for the sword has to be on the left hip. Tough to get a sword into a scabbard on the same side as the hand that holds it. If you don’t believe me, try it.

With the scabbard on the left you can only lift the right leg to get on a horse and end up facing the same way as the horse. If you don’t believe me, try it Damage to your bits with the sword’s handle is your sole responsibility.

So you have to be standing on the pavement or a box on the horse’s left side. If you don't want to be standing in the middle of the road, THE HORSE HAS GOT TO BE ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE ROAD!

I bet that all Americans and Europeans are either left-handed or don’t care what happens to their hearts


  1. This made me laugh. Then I stopped and realised your argument was actually sound. It's scary how convincing you can be....I am rethinking some of what you told me when I was little. Like, do the socks really jump out of the draw shouting 'sock, sock, sock' when I am asleep?

  2. O Beth! I have only ever told you one lie. And that was it. xxx