The wife - the VIPER

In the nineteenth year of our marriage, the anniversary of which is, coincidentally, today, the wife has revised her health and fitness regime. I have never known her to believe that she was anything but grotesquely obese. She is not, never has been and doubtless never will be. She is fit, shapely and perfectly proportioned. Had I a boat, she would float it.

She is, however, unable to believe the truth. She owns enough herbal remedies, vitamins and assorted unproven remedies to open her own branch of Holland and Barrett. If ever we fall on hard(er) times we could hold a sale which would square the mortgage. She thinks it’s better to keep them, just in case.

For the past nineteen years she has been locked in a daily battle with the image she sees in the mrror. The image is bent by her distorted perception which interprets “tasty” as “hideous.” It’s a battle she can never win.

She’s tried the Atkins Diet, The Low Fat Diet, the cabbage Soup Diet, the Fresh Air Diet, the Gluten – Free Diet, the Boiled Water and a Kipper Diet, all to no avail. She’s eaten Healthily, Sensibly and No Carbohydrately. Recently she‘s taken to eating Annoyingly. I swear it’s the Next Big Thing: The Annoying Diet. She won’t eat what I eat. Too easy. So no bread, no cheese, no beer, no steak, no chocolate. We sit down for supper. I’m lucky if I get a piece of boiled fish with spinach. I have to hide he Toblerone. Such is the fate of the long-married man.

And now to celebrate nineteen years of married bliss would you please welcome the latest weapon in ther War on Waist. The VIPER. The Very Irritating Physical Exercise Regime. She’s up at six running around like people with iPods. Inspired by our (obviously younger) kids she’s signed up for a ten kay. I guess the idea is that she’s so knackered she doesn’t worry about her weght. It might work.